


With Trembling Hands

by idra



Series: 30 Days of Fic (June 2014) [22]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 19:09:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1829071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idra/pseuds/idra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles opens the loft door with trembling hands. He both hopes Derek is there and hopes he isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With Trembling Hands

**Author's Note:**

> Half inspired by [this](http://hellasterek.tumblr.com/post/89127773087) and half inspired by the speech given to Matt Damon by Ben Affleck in the movie, Good Will Hunting. Day 22 of my 30 day challenge to myself.

Stiles hops up the stairs to Derek's loft, part of him hoping that Derek will be there to greet him with a scowl and a short "What now, Stiles?" The other part of him hopes that maybe this will be the time he pulls open the loft door and there's nothing but silence there to greet him. When that day comes, Stiles knows he'll be heart broken. He knows he'll go on to hate a world without Derek in it. But he'll be happy for Derek. He'll be ecstatic that Derek got out and has moved on to bigger and better things because if anyone in their messed up little world of Beacon Hills deserves it, it's definitely Derek that does. Stiles can think of no one who deserves good things and happiness and to move on more than Derek does. 

He opens the door with a slight tremor in his hands and smiles sadly when he gets the standard scowl and growl. "Derek, Scott needs you. Something about trolls? I dunno. Don't trolls live under bridges? Do we have any proper bridges in Beacon Hills?" 

Derek snorts and puts his hand around the back of Stiles' neck, guiding him out of the loft and back down the stairs. Stiles keeps babbling about the trolls he'd read about in fairy tales as Derek pushes him towards the passenger seat of the Toyota. Derek mutters something about dumbasses and stupid kids as he starts the car and heads towards Scott's location.

They take care of the trolls-- and holy shit, Stiles is pretty sure they are the cutest things in the whole wide world for all their grumpiness and attitude-- and Derek drives Stiles back to his building and Stiles' car. "Oh my God! They were so tiny! I thought trolls were supposed to be huge!" 

Derek chuckles. "Misconception. They come across that ways in fairy tales to make them scarier."

"But they're so adorable." Stiles laughs. "Why couldn't Scott handle them himself?" 

"It's Scott." Derek looks over at him as he pulls into the parking lot. "Food?"

"I'll call the diner and go pick it up." Stiles reaches over, touching his hand. "You were good with them."

"I understand them." Derek shrugs. "Order me a double bacon cheeseburger. You know how I like my burger."

"Fries?" 

"Of course," Derek says, glancing at him. "Loft will be unlocked."

Stiles nods. "You got it." He changes vehicles, heading to the diner the pack usually hits up. He orders their food, hoping against hope he won't be there when Stiles gets back with their food. But he's not surprised when Derek actually opens the door before Stiles can get to it. He hands over Derek's order and then sits at the table, sighing a little.

"Something wrong, Stiles?" Derek asks, sitting across from him. He pulls out his food, watching Stiles. 

Stiles licks his lips, debating actually telling Derek his hopes and fears when it comes to Derek himself. If he does that, he has to admit to his very real feelings for the man across from him. "Every time I come to get you for some supernatural disaster, I have this hope and fear that you won't be here."

"Hope? Fear? Stiles... I don't... I don't get what you're talking about."

"You're really gonna make me do this, huh?" Stiles stares at his food. "I care about you, Derek. A lot. More than I should. In more ways than I probably should. I always hope that you're still here, but I also hope that you've left. That you've taken off and left Beacon Hills in search of a better life for yourself. I know you think you don't deserve it, after Paige, after Kate, after Jennifer. I know you think that all of the disasters in your life have been your fault and yours alone, but they're not. Paige... Peter manipulated you. He told Cora and me that story and I could tell. He was manipulating you. Kate... I can't believe I even have to explain to you the many ways her taking advantage of your innocence wasn't your fault. I know what I said in the hospital, but I don't believe it. I was pissed because my dad..." Stiles trails off and takes a few deep breaths to try to calm himself. "I was pissed and lashing out at you because I knew you wouldn't lash back." He shrugs and takes a bite of his food, trying to calm himself even more. "Jennifer was not your fault. That witch sacrificed people to get power. She attacked those people, but it had nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but you were just a means to an end. She needed you to get to Deucalion. She needed to seduce you so that you'd take her side, so that you'd believe her."

"I know all this. You've told me all of this before. Maybe not in so many words, but you've always been on my side even when you afraid of me, even when you wanted to kill me."

Stiles blushes, remembering a time when he did think Derek being dead would solve their problems. "The point is, Der, you are not responsible for what the people around you do. You are a good man and you deserve to have good things in your life."

Derek stays silent and Stiles finally looks up. He's surprised to see the smile on Derek's face. "What? You're smiling dude, and it's freaking me out."

"That's a lie," Derek says, glancing at Stiles' chest. Stiles scowls a little. He hates that about the werewolves in his life. "You... You're in love with me."

Stiles sighs, but nods. "Yeah. I am. I know you don't swing that way, but... It doesn't matter anyhow."

"You said you fear that I won't be here?"

"I'm afraid that I won't see you again and I'm afraid that I will. I want you to live a good life and I want you to be happy, Derek. I don't think you'll ever be happy here. Not truly."

Derek licks his lips and looks down. "I don't have anywhere else to go."

"You have the whole world at your disposal, Derek. You could go anywhere and be anything. Most packs will let you in or you can find someplace private with no pack around... Do whatever you need or want to do. You don't have to save lives to make amends. You've made amends for anything you might've done. You're not guilty of anything, so stop acting like you are." Stiles shoves his food away and gets to his feet. "I want you to have the best of everything in this world. You can't have that here, Der. You'll never find your happiness in Beacon Hills." He walks out of the loft, tears in his eyes. 

It's a couple of weeks before he heads back to the loft and he pauses at the top of the stairs. He walks forward and puts his hand on the door handle, pulling it open. He's not surprised by the trembling in his hands this time. He expected it, especially after he'd told Derek everything. He steps inside, waiting for the scowl and growl greeting, but there's nothing. "Derek? Derek, are you here?"

There's no response and he moves further into the loft, a sad smile gracing his face as he sees that everything has been packed up. There are no clothes to be found and the boxes are labeled either "Goodwill" or with pack members' names. He picks up the boxes and hauls them to his Jeep.

After he drops off the boxes marked Goodwill, he starts driving around town, delivering boxes to the respective pack members. Then he heads home and sets his box down in his room. He sits cross legged on his bed, opening the box. He pulls out the letter on top and sets it aside, pulling out books. Old books that Stiles has been looking for everywhere. Books that Stiles knows belonged to the Hale Family library and that Peter and Talia had put in a safe deposit box somewhere. Stiles' heart breaks a little at the thought that Derek actually trusts him to keep these books safe. He sets them on his bookshelf with the other supernatural books and picks up the letter. He licks his lips as he opens it up.

_Stiles,_

_The words you said to me got me thinking. I was going to leave, without saying goodbye. Just let you think I'd upped and left, but I couldn't do that to you. See, I know you think you love me, but I also know that what you feel is about 90% infatuation with what you think you can't have. But you could've had me. You could've had me at any time. All you ever had to do was say you wanted me._

_Maybe someday, we'll meet again, away from the crap in our lives surrounded by Beacon Hills. When we do, take the chance. If you're still single and I'm still single, take the chance. I won't say no._

_Goodbye Stiles and thank you. Thank you for believing in me when no one else ever has._

_D.H._

Stiles bites his lip to keep from crying and he folds the letter carefully and tucks it under his pillow, curling up in his bed. He can only hope that Derek finds true happiness out there, away from Beacon Hills and away from the horrors this town brought to his life.


End file.
